Suicide and Shame
A Gentle Note to the Reader
If you are reading this while feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, or unsafe, please know you are not weak or broken. Suicidal thoughts are far more common than many people realise, and they are not a sign of failure. They are signals of deep distress and unmet needs. Support is available, and you deserve help.
If you or someone you know is at risk, please reach out:
NHS Crisis Teams
You can access your local NHS mental health crisis team via your GP, A&E, or by calling NHS 111 and asking them to connect you.
Samaritans
Call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
Email: jo@samaritans.org
Shout (Text Support)
Text SHOUT to 85258 for free, confidential text support 24/7
Emergency
If you or someone else are in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E
Suicide and Shame: Why These Are So Closely Linked
Shame is one of the most powerful and painful human emotions. It can tell us “I am defective” rather than “something bad has happened to me.” When shame takes hold, people often feel exposed, defective, unlovable, or like a burden to others. This internal experience can be profoundly isolating.
Many people who experience suicidal thoughts describe intense shame about:
Needing help
Not coping as they think they should
Past trauma or abuse
Mental health symptoms
Relationship breakdowns, parenting struggles, or financial stress
Shame thrives in silence. When pain feels unspeakable, suicide can begin to feel like an escape—not because someone truly wants to die, but because they desperately want the pain to stop.
Suicidal Thoughts as the Psyche’s Response to Overwhelming Pain
From a psychological and nervous-system perspective, suicidal thoughts are not a character flaw or a moral failing. They are often a response to extreme emotional pain. Think of this response as your emotional immune system saying ‘‘this is too much to bear’’.
When a person experiences:
Chronic stress
Trauma or abuse
Loss or abandonment
Feeling trapped with no perceived way out
Persistent invalidation or neglect
…the nervous system can move into survival mode.
In this state, the brain narrows its focus. Problem-solving becomes limited, hope feels inaccessible, and the body may shift into a freeze or collapse response. Suicidal thoughts can arise as the mind’s attempt to find relief or an end point to unbearable suffering.
In simple terms: the thought of death can feel like the only door left open when all others feel locked.
Language Matters: Why the Phrase “Commit Suicide” Causes Harm
The language we use around suicide carries deep psychological and cultural weight. The phrase “commit suicide” originates from a time when suicide was considered both a crime and a sin. To commit something implies wrongdoing—we commit crimes, offences, or acts of moral failure.
Even though suicide and attempted suicide were decriminalised in England and Wales in 1961, this language remains embedded in everyday speech. When we say “commit suicide,” we unintentionally reinforce the idea that the person has done something wrong, shameful, or criminal.
For someone already experiencing suicidal thoughts, this wording can:
Intensify shame and self-blame
Increase fear of judgement or punishment
Make it harder to seek help
Reinforce silence and secrecy
Language does not just describe reality—it shapes it.
As both a therapist and a human being, I actively encourage a shift in language. Phrases such as:
“died by suicide”
“attempted to take their life”
“experienced suicidal crisis”
are more accurate, compassionate, and trauma‑informed. They recognise that the person was not committing a crime, but responding to overwhelming pain.
Rephrasing is not about political correctness; it is about reducing harm. When we remove criminalised language, we help dismantle the shame that keeps people trapped and unsupported.
A Brief History: When Suicide Was Illegal in the UK
Until 1961, suicide and attempted suicide were criminal offences in England and Wales. People who survived attempts could be prosecuted, imprisoned, or subjected to public humiliation. Families of those who died by suicide were also often treated with suspicion or disgrace.
Although the law changed with the Suicide Act 1961, the cultural legacy of criminalisation remains. Shame, secrecy, and moral judgement did not disappear overnight. Many people still carry an unconscious belief that suicidal thoughts are something to be hidden, punished, or judged.
Understanding this history matters. It helps explain why so many people feel deep shame about suicidal feelings—even today—and why reaching out for help can feel terrifying.
Common Causes and Contributing Factors
Suicidal thoughts rarely have a single cause. They often arise from a combination of factors, including:
Trauma (childhood or adult)
Domestic abuse or coercive control
Loss, grief, or separation
Chronic illness or pain
Depression, anxiety, or PTSD
Neurodivergence without adequate support
Social isolation
Financial or housing stress
Feeling like a burden to others
It is important to say clearly: having suicidal thoughts does not mean you want to die. It usually means you want relief, safety, understanding, or connection.
Reducing Shame: What Actually Helps
Shame reduces when it is met with compassion, validation, and safe connection. Helpful responses include:
Being listened to without judgement
Having feelings named and normalised
Understanding suicidal thoughts as signals, not sins
Trauma-informed therapy
Gentle nervous-system regulation (breathing, grounding, co-regulation)
Practical support alongside emotional support
Recovery does not mean never having dark thoughts again—it means having support, tools, and people who can help you through them.
You do not need to be at breaking point to deserve support.
A Final Word
Suicidal thoughts are not a personal failure. They are a human response to pain that has gone on too long without enough support. Shame tells people to stay silent; compassion invites them to speak.
If this post resonates with you, please consider reaching out—to a trusted person, a counsellor, or a support service. Your life has value, even if you cannot feel it right now.
